- - CRAWLING MY WAY BACK

[josslynn i. finnigan]

* - - - - - - -
I'VE GOT TO FIND MY WAY BACK,
retrace my steps so i can prove to you

things were so different. things had changed so much. five years was a long time for things to switch up, but she had never thought it that way until recently. time had flown by so fast that it had felt like years they had spent together, not just five. what they did was abnormal, running away to a different country, leaving behind their last names, starting a new life together. there had been so much sacrifice, but he had always been worth it. the past years had been so good to her. why did it have to be ruined? the whole reason they had left in the first place, the reason she never really talked to her family anymore, was the reason she was now in more sorrow at this point than ever in her life.

it had all started in her seventh. lucian carrow was someone she never imagined herself to be with. hell, before that hour, she had never even spoken a word to him before. josslynn finnigan never spoke a word to anyone really. the shy girl who stood in with the crowd and observed from the wall rather than interact with her community was who she was. that was until james potter really helped her out in her life and made her into the social butterfly that she would later become that year. but even before that, he had noticed her. lucian had noticed the girl that she used to be. and since the first time they met, he never left her mind just like she never left his. it wasn't even until right before holiday break that she realized that she loved him. they weren't even dating. but at the thought of losing him, she knew that she did. josslynn had never loved someone before in her life, but she knew she loved lucian carrow. and when he asked her to go away with him after they graduated, of course she said yes. it was a sacrifice that she was willing to take. her twin, her other siblings, her family were all left behind. they knew that she needed to do it, to be happy. what were they running from? lucian's family, the carrow's. it wasn't easy being a pureblood. apparently, it was even more difficult to be a carrow and love a half-blood. lucian said that he would do anything to be with her though. as soon as they graduated, they left. paris was where they left to, changing their last name shortly after arriving. they got married in a small ceremony, to which only josslynn's immediate family and lucian's twin brother was present at to keep their secrecy away from his father.

lucian and josslynn leclair was who they were now. the next five years were the best in jossy's life though. being married to lucian was everything she had ever imagined. before, she was never sure if she could see herself loving someone and being a wife. who she used to be was a wallflower, so she could never see herself with anyone period. but lucian had gotten through to her even then, but loved her more when she become social. he had put himself on the line so much to be with her, which was something she couldn't help but admire. and all he ever did was be there for her. instead of living a life of luxury, married to someone he didn't even have to pick, he chose to be with her in a different country away from his family with a different last night to hide them from the wrath of his father. from what they heard over the years, amycus carrow wasn't pleased and searched for his son. but they did their best to keep their tracks hidden. lucian worked a common job and josslynn went to a muggle university, studying to become what she always dreamed of being: a fashion designer. being an inspiring fashion designer in paris though was being a little fish in a big pond. but she had faith in herself with lucian behind her. he was all the faith that she ever needed in herself. if there was ever a moment where she doubted herself, he would bring out the best in her and made her believe again that this was what she was meant to do. everything about him made her a better person. without him, jossy really didn't know what she would do.

sitting in a wicker chair on the balcony of their brand new studio apartment, josslynn looked out at the view of the eiffel tower. the apartment they had was in a prime location and wasn't cheap. it had been through the help of nate, getting whatever of lucian's inheritance that he could before their father took it all and whatever that her family could send to her from her childhood savings. being outcast and runaways from their families meant that whatever money they had would be from the jobs they had since moving, but she never minded. what she needed was lucian, not the riches and fortunes. his love was all she ever needed. her feet were up against the iron-cast railing, knees nearly crunched up to her chest. all of the boxes were still around, waiting to be unpacked, but she still didn't feel like unpacking. moving across the city wouldn't keep amycus from coming after them again. they had taken another chance by not changing their name again, staying in the same city. jossy just couldn't leave this city though. she loved it too much and their lives were here. they had friends, jobs, school. but at least moving had thrown amycus from their trail from now. and josslynn would never make the same mistake that she did last time.

it was nearly two weeks ago that she had been so stupid, made such a rookie mistake. being married for nearly five years had been the happiest five years for josslynn. lucian was everything she wanted and needed. of course they had talked about having a family, but it had never been something they were really trying for. it wasn't like they weren't trying either, but they were so busy that a baby had never really figured itself into the equation. but when she started becoming sick in the mornings, smelling things for miles, and sleeping all the time, josslynn knew something was up. she wasn't an expert, but she wasn't an idiot too. too frightened for a moment of the idea of bringing a child into the world when their lives were so secret, josslynn had made the mistake of going home to london to see her mother. while in london, a side trip was made to st. mungo's just to make sure that her suspicions were right. she had used her old name, and what she suspected had been right. she was pregnant. as soon as she was told though, part of her was so excited. when she told her mother and twin brother, she couldn't have been happier. they talked at length about coming to see her more often, feeling that it was a little safer to be able to visit since they had gone five years without a visit from father carrow. they figured they were pretty in the clear. they couldn't have been more wrong.

trying to find the right time to tell lucian was something she found herself struggling with. she never kept secrets from him, but this was something that she couldn't decide he would be happy or upset about. just like herself, she had a feeling he might be upset of how they would bring a child into the world, but knew he would be a great father. she had decided that she would make him a nice dinner and tell him then. she had taken the day off school and work even. the plan was to take a nap, get up, clean their apartment, then start dinner. jossy never made it past getting up. lucian was also cautious and put guards around their apartment, but like that was ever enough to keep amycus carrow out. he was far beyond the skill of his son, and josslynn never had a chance. she was woken by the sound of the front door exploding open, and it took her several seconds to register what was going on. they had talked before, of what they would do if something like this happened. but her cell phone was across the room. she scrambled from their bed and across the room for it to call lucian, who was out with his twin brother nate for once. he had come to town so they could see each other, as they rarely ever did. number dialed down, reciever to her ear, and it never made it past one ring until the phone was yanked from her ear and blasted away. josslynn tripped over her own feet backwards, staring up now from the floor at amycus carrow staring down at her from the doorway of their bedroom.

what had gone on in that apartment was something that josslynn could only half remember. part of it was from some brain damage the doctors say she may have suffered, other parts were just things she never wanted to remember. a psychiatrist who visited her in the hospital room a few days after said that her brain would want to shut out parts of what happened, as a part of post-dramatic stress disorder. either way, she never wanted to talk about it. what amycus had done to her, words could never explain. so much pain had gone through her body and all she could do was try to defend herself. that had only lasted a short while, trying to duel off amycus carrow though was like a leaf trying to hold up a brick. it couldn't be done. josslynn had never known what an unforgiveable curse felt like, but she did after that day. it was undeniable pain, coursing through her body. all she could do was cry out, beg for mercy, beg for lucian. but he wasn't there. no one was. by the time amycus had left, their apartment was destroyed and josslynn lay underneath rubble that used to be part of the wall in between their bedroom and living room. why amycus had actually left her alive, she had no idea. the thought still baffled her a little, but never really wanted to think about it in general. she didn't even know that it had been lucian who came home and found her, unconscious and near death. a muffilato spell had been cast around their apartment prior, explaining why none of their neighbors heard the commotion and came to her rescue. it was exactly what amycus had wanted.

a week was spent in the hospital to recover, and now it had been a week since she had been released. they had packed all of their things and moved to a new place on the other side of the city. this place was more upscale and out of their price range, but lucian said he had taken care of it. jossy never bothered to ask because she never really bothered to talk. ever since the incident, her lips had barely uttered any words. she didn't go to school, didn't go to work. as caution, she even quit her job. all she wanted was to be alone, but lucian would never let that happen. what had happened was josslynn was retreating back into the person she was, the quiet wallflower he had first met. learning when she first woke up that among her injuries had been a miscarriage, her lips became sealed and her face bore an always present depressed look. learning that she couldn't even protect their child made her feel like more of a disappointment than ever, and it reflected badly onto josslynn. the sun was high in the school as she sat on the balcony dressed in a sweatpants and a crew neck sweatshirt as the weather was starting to become a little colder now that summer was winding down, her sketchpad laying across her legs. the pencil lay on the pad, a half-sketched design for a maternity outfit drawn out on the page. her hands rested on her stomach, where a child should be growing but no longer was. a single tear rolled down her cheek as she just stared at the light sketch, knowing she started it when she had the dream of one day designing the outfit so that she could wear it. she had been so excited to start a family, and now she was more scared than ever. and deep down, josslynn wondered if she would ever be ready again. or if lucian could ever forgive her, as she felt entirely at blame for losing their child. but she never voiced that since she had barely spoken two words besides "i love you" to him. but she feared where this would leave them. losing a child was one thing, but losing lucian was another. it was another that she could never survive.

TAGGED: lucian carrow.
WORD COUNT: two thousand and twenty-seven.
SETTING: their new apartment, paris france, five years in the future.
GRAPHIC CREDIT: BEAUTIFUL DISASTER of CAUTION 2.0
LYRICS CREDIT: find my way back (acoustic) - four year strong.
TEMPLATE CREDIT: SAY WHAA STEPH ! of CAUTION 2.0
LISTENING TO: if i cut my hair, hawaii will sink - chiodos.
NOTES: soooo sad. asldkjflskdjf. </3

[lucian a. carrow]

go on and take it, take it all with you

[/color]
don't look back at this crumbling fool
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -[/center][/size]

everything had changed. in such a short amount of time, lucian's life had been turned upside down. granted, it was all for the better in his opinion, but amycus carrow was bound to think differently. and because this was the case, lucian knew that their lives wouldn't remain intact if they stayed in london for very long. so with that in mind, lucian and josslynn left england shortly after graduation, bound and determined to start life anew in paris. jossy could live out her dreams of being a fashion designer, and lucian...well, as long as the love of his life had a smile on her face, he'd make do with whatever work he could find. lucian had hopes of the two of them making a life together without having to worry about amycus at every turn, but boy was he wrong. merlin, he was wrong by a long shot. it wasn't until he realized what his father was up to that he really and honestly realized how horrible amycus carrow truly was. it was different in hogwarts, when he had forced nate to push holly and him together. it wasn't the easiest thing in the world, trying to resist his father's will and stay with jossy, but in the end he had prevailed. the two had decided that they would leave, for both of their safety. unfortunately enough, moving to another country wasn't enough.

lucian knew there were a lot of things he had done wrong. he certainly could have killed his father instead, but he really didn't want that type of blood on his hands. merlin knew the world would have been better off, but...he knew that josslynn wouldn't have been happy with him, even if amycus was a loathesome, unrespectable human being. if he wanted to be better than his father, he couldn't allow himself to retreat to his old ways. if he retaliated, that would only ignite the match that would surely throw amycus off the deep end. as a former death eater, lucian didn't really wanna challenge him. sure, he'd had years upon years of training in the dark arts, but not even with the help of nate could they possibly overthrow their father. it simply wasn't possible. maybe if they took his wand and had a dozen people against him, but...aside from that, lucian didn't have a shot against his father on his own.

it had been five years ago that he had become lucian leclair. it didn't carry the same power that lucian carrow had, but lucian found himself growing more fond of that fact with each passing day. they had graduated from hogwarts only to run away, something that he also felt guilty for, but refused to voice it. lucian was eternally grateful for josslynn being in his life, but he also wondered what it might have been like had she married james potter instead. sure, he would be the same, loathesome boy his father had raised in his own image had jossy not been there to save him from himself, but lucian hated that jossy had to be away from her family. that she'd had to give up so much for him, only to have his love in return. despite how much of an improvement that was for someone like lucian carrow, love didn't seem to be enough of a reimbursement in his mind, not for all that he'd made josslynn give up. sure, he had changed for her, but it had been for the better. running away to paris, leaving all of their family behind (though lucian knew he could live without his, and very easily so) was something that he frequently wished that he could change. but he was a carrow by birth, and amycus would never let him live it down. if he ever found the two of them, he'd hold true to his parting words: you're not going to get away with this.

after moving to paris, lucian had quickly found work in their own government, and had slowly moved his way up over the years. it wasn't like being a carrow, but he was wealthy enough to provide for himself and josslynn. she was finally able to pursue her dreams of designing clothes, which was something that always brought a smile to his face. lucian worried about amycus searching france, perhaps getting information about josslynn's aspirations from a few of her friends or family, probably by force. oh, who was he kidding...force was always a means of persuasion when it came to amycus' way of doing things. either way, lucian had often wondered what would happen if amycus found them. it was more of an anxious, nail-biting fear than a curious thought, but coming home to josslynn at the end of the day somehow seemed to soothe his nerves. lucian knew good and well what would happen if amycus found them. there wasn't a doubt in his mind that amycus carrow was capable of killing his own son. furthermore, it wouldn't have surprised him if he threatened to kill josslynn as a means of getting his son back under his thumb. merlin knew he had done it before, so there was certainly nothing that would stop him from doing it again.

lucian had been slightly surprised at nate, however. despite how much pressure amycus had put on him, nate had been there regardless. many purebloods were afraid of being disowned -- afterall, money was everything -- but that didn't seem to hinder the bond that he and his brother shared. they had always been close, but lucian considered nate as his closest friend. he had been there for lucian and jossy's secret wedding, and lucian wouldn't have had it any other way. having his twin brother as his best man was something that he would have done regardless of who he married, but his being there under the circumstances involved simply proved that amycus couldn't control everything. several weeks after the wedding, lucian began studying the dark arts again. he tried to keep josslynn unaware by practicing late at night, or 'working overtime' at work. it wasn't something he was doing for his own personal enjoyment; he had been out of practice for years, and he knew good and well that amycus trained every day. it was that fear that would haunt him for the next five years that kept him going; he knew that this wasn't the end. amycus wouldn't just let them run away. losing wasn't in his nature, and he wasn't about to let his eighteen year-old son get the better of him.

lucian had kept himself trained since they had arrived in paris, always on guard for the unexpected. amycus was a former death eater; he enjoyed the element of surprise more than anyone. lucian had absolutely no idea how off-guard it was going to take him to come home to josslynn on the floor, bleeding profusely. his temper was masked by the fear of losing his wife, causing him to tend to her needs before even thinking about an act of revenge against his father. nate had been waiting downstairs, and after seeing that josslynn was tended to he quickly informed his brother about what had happened. as distraught as he was himself, lucian honestly couldn't remember what his brother's emotion had been. they had gotten away with it for five years, and now his wife was in the hospital, and he had absolutely no idea how hurt she was. lucian knew that it had looked bad, but for one reason or the next amycus had left her alive. he had suspicions of why, but didn't bother asking nate to confirm any of them. one was the idea that amycus was again trying to warn his son of what would happen if he continually tried to disobey him, while another was merely to challenge him out of hiding, only to show him what he had promised to do from the beginning. josslynn wasn't the entire problem -- it was the fact that lucian had dared to go directly against what he had been taught. it was like a dog that had deliberately wetted the carpet in front of it's owner. in amycus' eyes, lucian was nothing more than a dog, there to bring more honor to his family's name. undecided upon which direction to take, lucian had bought another house for the two of them, one that would provide more protection for josslynn than the other apartment had. it was the least he could do after what had happened.

lucian had placed guards around the corner to be on the safe side. only a select few of them were actually wizards, but at the current time it was the best that he could do. he attempted to spend more time with josslynn now that she was staying home, hoping to get her mind off of what he knew that she was thinking about. his own heart was burdened by the thought of it, but he knew that it wasn't her fault that they had lost the baby. lucian knew that there would be other opportunities, other chances to start their own family. it had been a week since jossy had gotten to leave the hospital, and all lucian could think about was seeing that her needs were met. work was a separate matter, one of significantly less importance at the moment. he needed to be there for josslynn, in whatever way that she needed at the moment. his fears of amycus returning had to be kept at bay, though this time he knew that he would be waiting for him. that's what his father really wanted, he felt. if it came down to it, lucian wouldn't hide from amycus. baby or not, he wasn't about to hide behind anyone when it came to protecting his own family. as lucian closed off his thoughts to step through the door of their new apartment, he peered around the corner to hopefully catch a glimpse of josslynn. finding nothing but vacancy, lucian slowly furrowed his eyebrows, walking slowly towards the balcony that overlooked the city. a concerned expression was clearly written on his face as he sat beside her in the opposite chair, a grocery bag in his hands. "i...i stopped by the store to get you a few creative supplies. figured your collection could hold a few new things." he offered a light smile, setting the bag lightly beside her chair. swallowing as he gazed at her with the same, concerned expression, lucian reached for her hand. "talk to me, please," he pleaded softly, his thumb grazing the top of her hand. "i love you," lucian exhaled silently, patiently hoping that if anything, he could get a smile out of her. despite what had happened, her love was still all that mattered to him. it was all he had.

[/blockquote][/justify]

[/ul]

[josslynn i. finnigan]

* - - - - - - -
I'VE GOT TO FIND MY WAY BACK,
retrace my steps so i can prove to you

there had never really been a time in her life where she ever felt like one certain thing defined her. no one moment or reaction, nothing was ever definite. things had happened in her life that helped her form who she had become, but nothing that stook out so hard to make her permanently feel like she was becoming someone different. or rather, someone she used to be. when she first started dating lucian, things were so different for her. she became a better person, but not just because lucian loved her. his love didn't define her, even though his love was what kept her going. having him there always helped her, but it was in her that she was able to become the person that she wanted to be. james potter had helped her with that as well, but like lucian, he didn't define her either. not even any of her family defined her, not even her twin brother. there was nothing that stood out.

until now. josslynn had never really thought much into having a family. being married was one thing and it was a high enough. getting married to lucian was the single best moment of her life so far, being able to say 'i do' and know that he would be her own for the rest of their lives. but with the ordeal with his father and having to move and change their names, she never really considered a family right now. their marriage had just recently hit the five year mark, but the discussion had never really been brought up. that didn't mean that jossy wasn't signed off on not having kids. it was just never really a discussion that they brought into full talk, least of all lately. things were so good that she didn't want to worry about whether or not they would start a family. the way that she had always looked at it, what would happen would happen and they would take it as it came. it wasn't like they were trying to have children, but they weren't not trying either. what with lucian always working and jossy had her school and own job, she honestly didn't foresee children any time soon anyway since they were both so busy. and there of course was the ever-lingering thought deep in the back of her mind that amycus would show up. it was something that she never really talked to lucian about because their lives were separate from all the drama they had left behind. the point of moving away to paris and changing their names was that they wouldn't have to worry about things like that, but she didn't need for him to say it to know that he too had the same worried thought in his mind.

once she found out that she was pregnant, there was only one thing she felt like she had to do with her life. it was to protect her child and be a good mother. and she couldn't even do that. of course amycus was never a fair component, but that wasn't the point. knowing that she was going to bring a life into the world was a scary thought, but knowing that she was going to do it with lucian, with her husband, she knew that she had faith in herself. they would be good parents. once she was over the initial fear of knowing that she was now going to be in charge of another human life, the joy set in and she couldn't wait for the next nine months. she couldn't wait to tell lucian. amycus didn't even give her that chance. to wake to find that she had lost their baby was hard enough to deal with, but seeing lucian's face when he told her was worse. not only did he almost lose his wife, but he lost a child that he didn't even know existed. that hurt her the most that she had put her life and their child's life in danger, all for the solitude of going home to st. mungo's just to confirm her pregnancy and to see her family. god forbid that she wanted to see her family. while she loved lucian and never would take back anything that they had been through since their seventh year nor would she ever leave him, there was always that cloud that overshadowed their sunny day. and that cloud was named amycus carrow.

as she sat in the chair, her legs stretched out to rest up on the balcony railing and her hands placed on her stomach. it had been two weeks since the incident, but there were still bruises lining her body from being smashed into and through objects that included walls. but the sensitivity she felt around her stomach was not due to those bruises. there was now a void that she felt and had a feeling she would always have left by the child that she had lost. even thinking about it brought a small tear to her eye that soon rolled down her cheek. hearing the door shut caused her to jump, her fear getting the best of her whenever comings and goings happened. in the back part of her mind, she knew it was her husband returning home, but the fear in her mind made her body tremble at the thought that amycus had returned once more. it was only until lucian appeared beside her that she took in a deep breath in to calm her nerves and to not worry him by letting him see the physicality of her shaking due to her fear. while she hadn't said much, josslynn tried to best to not let lucian worry about her too much. if he really knew how much she was living in fear that his father would return only to disrupt their lives again, she knew it would only just break his heart more. that much she couldn't do.

her eyes broke away from watching the paris landscape once more to look over at her husband and the things that he carried in his hands. normally, josslynn would be very excited about the new things he had bought her. it wasn't like he didn't give her nice things ever because he did, but it was always nice when he got things for her because he thought she needed them or that she would actually like them. not because he thought he was required to get these things for her just because they were married or something like that. but now, looking slightly into the bag that was full of things like lace and floral patterns, a small sigh escaped her lips. since she had returned home, there hadn't been a single desire in her body to do any designing. her book that she still kept from her childhood and had actually been a factor in lucian and jossy's first meeting was still in use, keeping it for only her cherished designs. the design for her wedding dress was in there, along with a sketch of a baby's outfit she had done the morning of the accident. it had been her plan to show lucian, asking what he thought to get the conversation started once dinner had finished, but things had never gotten that far. she showed him a small smile though, encouraging him that she loved the gesture which she certainly did.

her attention turned back to the landscape, taking it all in. when she pictured being on her balcony with lucian that overlooked paris and the eiffel tower, she never imagined it would be in these circumstances. feeling his hand grasp her, it was the automatic reaction for her to jump out of paranoia still, frowning slightly at herself. she knew that lucian was harder on himself about what all had happened. it had been his father after all, but all she wanted was to reassure him that she didn't blame him. the fact that his father was a completely psychotic nutjob was not his fault and he could have never predicted that amycus would do what he had done. it had been josslynn's fault for giving him a lead, not lucian's. and as much as she wanted to reassure him that, she couldn't find the words still. her other hand reached over, covering the one that he had placed over her own. his hands, always large but fit in perfectly with her delicate hands, were always warm and comforting. of all the things she loved the most, it was holding his hand that stuck out. in his hands, jossy felt safe and secure, even now. there was still a frown upon her face as she looked up from their hands at him, as if mentally kicking herself for her reaction to his touch. she knew it couldn't have made him feel any better about himself. "i'm sorry," she spoke in a way that was barely above a whisper. her walls had come back up since the ordeal, but why was it so hard to let lucian back in? he had been the one who had taken them down in the first place. josslynn only felt because it had been a part of him that she had taken away from him, a chance at being a father and for them to be a perfect family. it wasn't even really that she had lost their child, but that she had been so careless, so reckless. what she had been was selfish to go home to england, just to have the security of st. mungo's. "i know," she said to him, "and i love you too." she lifted her hand, only to place a small kiss on the top of his. "i... i'm sorry the boxes still aren't unpacked. i was going to and then...," jossy trailed off, wondering why it was that she still hadn't unpacked them. it wasn't like she had done anything else in her day. she stood, crossing the balcony to place her hands on the railing and lean on it, overlooking the city she once used to marvel at. "i can do it tomorrow. i'm.. so very sorry, lucian. i'm sorry." her last words were barely about a whisper but ladled with the sound of her beginning to cry. because this was no longer about not unpacking the boxes for the umpteenth time again since they had moved, but because she felt guilty for all she had taken from him and still felt she hadn't apologized for whether or not he said that she had no reason to be. deep down, she still felt at fault and guilty. and that despite how much she undyingly loved him, she never felt she could make it up to him.

TAGGED: lucian carrow.
WORD COUNT: one thousand, eight hundred, and thirty-nine.
SETTING: their new apartment, paris france, five years in the future.
GRAPHIC CREDIT: BEAUTIFUL DISASTER of CAUTION 2.0
LYRICS CREDIT: find my way back (acoustic) - four year strong.
TEMPLATE CREDIT: SAY WHAA STEPH ! of CAUTION 2.0
LISTENING TO: nothing.
NOTES: she is so heartbreaking. </3

[lucian a. carrow]

go on and take it, take it all with you

[/color]
don't look back at this crumbling fool
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as of late, it was obvious that lucian carrow was a broken man. and it wasn't simply because he and his new wife were on the run from his literally insane father, or that they would forever have to live under fake names to escape the life he had decided to leave behind. it was the fact that josslynn had been broken, beaten, and twisted every-which way until she had finally cracked -- and it killed him to see that, to know what kind of pain that he had brought upon her. amycus carrow had gotten what he wanted -- for the time being, he had won. things were on edge between lucian and jossy, despite whether he wanted to believe it or not. she was mourning the loss of their first child, and lucian was absolutely helpless at her side. he didn't know how to handle these things. how to be a good father, how to be a decent, comforting husband....he didn't know how to be any of those things because he had never been taught to treat women with respect, or to wrap his arms around her when she cried. lucian had been taught those things by josslynn, not by his own parents. he was always learning how to love her, how to treat her the way that she deserved to be treated. lucian never really knew how to do anything -- had he been there when it happened, he would have known how to protect her, how to defend them from his father. lucian carrow had been taught to fight, that much was certain. anything else, well...he was just learning as he went along.

but josslynn had always been so accepting of that. she had loved him regardless of how evil his family appeared to be, or how hard they had tried to break the young couple apart. merlin, effie had been a determined young woman. amycus had made sure of that much. but then again, amycus made sure of a lot of things in lucian's life. between himself and nate, amycus had a lot to do with how their lives were ran. after marrying josslynn, lucian had sworn to himself that he would never in his life do that to his own children. he'd let them live their own lives, make their own mistakes. he and jossy would teach them the best they possibly could, but they would never rule over them with an iron fist. lucian knew good and well that that would never bring any good; merlin knew he had dropped every ounce of respect he had for his family's ideals when he met josslynn finnigan. he often imagined what it would have been like if he had married effie flint, but at the end of that thought he realized that it wouldn't have worked out anyway. nate was in love with molly, and molly hated effie. had lucian married effie, things would have consistently taken a turn for the worst. but at the time being, lucian couldn't help but linger upon the thought of josslynn being with someone else. not that he would ever want her to, naturally, but she would have been safer with james potter. lucian hated the bloke, always had, but she would have been perfectly safe with him. and at the end of the day, lucian couldn't help but hate himself for what had happened. it was his fault -- it would always be his fault.

lucian wasn't used to seeing josslynn unhappy. between the two of them, they had made new friends while in france, and jossy was happy doing what she loved. he had frequently told her that finding a job for himself wasn't his priority -- despite not having all of his father's money, they lived a rather comfortable life. as long as josslynn had a smile on her face, lucian would have worked anywhere. seeing her now, cooped up in an apartment all day with a frown upon her typically joyful features, it was almost more than he could stand, simply because he had no idea how to fix it. lucian knew that it wasn't safe for her to be out on the streets anymore, especially now that amycus knew where they were. well, not where they lived, exactly, but that wasn't going to stop him. lucian had people watching about the apartment while he was away -- he wouldn't allow the same thing to happen again. but watching her now, he knew that it wouldn't have to. josslynn had lost something -- they both had -- and it wasn't going to go away. the child couldn't just appear in the place that it was, and there was nothing that lucian could do to make the pain go away. it was there, forever in the back of their minds.

lucian glanced around the apartment, his eyes falling upon the boxes that were scattered along the floor. he knew why she hadn't unpacked -- it was the very thing that had plagued his thoughts all day. he couldn't blame her for it; merlin knew that he would have hurried to take the things from her hands had she tried. he could tell that she was worried all the time; he knew how it was to fear every shadow, every creak in the dark. it wasn't a good feeling, and it wasn't as though josslynn had learned to live with the fear as he had. her family was one that embraced one another in greeting -- a family that actually cared about one another. between her family and her best friends, lucian had enough people who probably had him on their hit list. josslynn was an exceptionally rare gem, and it seemed as though staying with him was chipping her away, piece by piece. had amycus not been in the equation, lucian would have sent her to stay with her parents, at least for a little while. but even then, lucian would always worry. until amycus was dead, they would always worry. so in that sense, lucian knew what it would come to. in a way, perhaps he had always known that it would come to this. sure, he had known that his father wouldn't give up his children so easily -- amycus had invested his time and money into lucian, and he wasn't about to watch all of that go down the drain. even if it meant destroying him, amycus would see to it that lucian learned one final lesson.

lucian felt his features soften as he shook his head, running a thumb over the top of her hand as he knelt beside her chair. "no, that's nothing. don't worry about those. actually, i quite like everything sorted into boxes. all nice and neat." lucian offered a small smile, showing that he couldn't have cared less about the fact that their things were still in boxes. in fact, the boxes were the last thing on his mind at the moment. he knew what was on her mind -- what had been on her mind since the moment that it had happened. lucian stood behind her, shaking his head once more. he paused for a moment, exhaling a sigh, then walked up beside her, his eyes glued to the streets below. "it wasn't your fault, jossy. it was never your fault." lucian placed one of his hands over her own, glancing back at her. "we're young, we have time for all of those things. we'll have six more, if that's what you want. but don't blame yourself for what happened. this....this happened because of me." lucian blinked away the tears that had begun to cloud his own vision, furrowing his eyebrows as his gaze softened that much more. hearing josslynn cry, seeing it...it was something that he couldn't deal with. if anything in the world could break lucian carrow's heart, it was that. "look at me. look at me, josslynn." he said softly, reaching an arm around her to bring her towards him. "there was a time in my life when i thought that my father knew everything that there was to know -- that he could turn me inside out and i had absolutely no control over my own life. but one day i strolled into the library and met a beautiful girl with a drawing book, who had absolutely no idea how stunning she was or how much talent she had. i fell head over heels for that girl, long before she got involved with james potter and became a gryffindor socialite. by some miracle that girl consented to marry me, and every single day i wake up and wonder why she picked me over potter. the day i met you was the day that amycus carrow lost his model son, and that's why all of this happened. don't let him do this to you, josslynn." he exhaled, offering a small smile. "you're my life, jossy. i couldn't stand to lose you." lucian fought back the tears that stung his eyes, threatening to fall. despite having lost their first child together, lucian couldn't help but be grateful for what he still had. they could always have more children -- but had he lost josslynn, everything would have been lost.

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